Thoughts

I suppose I should start writing in this more frequently if I want anyone to actually start reading it. Not that I really hold out too much hope for that! My boyfriend can't even gather enough enthusiasm to read my other blog about cars and he's supposed to be a gearhead like me. I'm beginning to think that isnt the case. It was also a bit of a tipoff when he said I was more into cars than he was. When does that happen?! Seriously. Well, it's late so I will go for now.

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My Lobby - CarDomain

My Lobby - CarDomain

So I added my 280z and my Lincoln onto this site. I have my Lincoln on the for sale portion of the site as well as in my 'garage'. I started talking to a guy on there who also owns a 280z, although his is 2 years older than mine. His blog is here: tice0105@blogspot.com Check him out if you like.

Rockin' R River Rides - New Braunfels, TX

This place is awesome! I was looking forward to floating down the Guadelupe River while I was back visiting Texas and I am so glad I got the chance to do it again. It is just so much fun! Jeremy and I came away with really horrible sunburns (mine are my far much worse) but still had a blast! Note: Do not take the 6 hour float unless you are a layer of sunscreen on you as thick as a blanket because you WILL be fried by the end of the float. It was really worth it though.

Rockin' R River Rides - New Braunfels, TX

better days

Things, thankfully, are looking up. I got a job up here in Washington at Walmart and Staples. Makes for really long days, that's for sure. While I was working at Staples, this absolutely gorgeous walks in another guy, who I later find out is his brother-in-law, to make a fax. It is a 32-page fax, so it takes a while. I start flirting with the hot guy about his tattoos. His fax gets done and they leave. Well, that sucked because the guy was soooo hot! Anyway, a little while later, I get this call at work. Guess who it's from?!? None other than the really hot guy. I find out his name is Tyler and we start talking. Anyway, long story short, we end up moving into this really cute apartment together in September 2006. I think everything is going fabulous until he decides he isn't happy with me the day after he gets back from a vacation in Texas. That was February 2007. My life sucks. This month has been the worst month ever. First I get in a wreck with a guy that gives me bogus information and I can't track him down. Then Tyler, who I thought I was going to marry just decides all of a sudden, that he's not happy. WTF?!? Anyway, enough of that. Again, long story short... I am now seeing a friend from work. His name is Manny and he is a really great guy. One of my biggest pet peaves is spending money. I grew up really poor and so money is a huge issue for me. Manny hates spending money also, so that's a really good thing. It makes me feel secure in case anything happens. Oh, also this month, my grandmother, who I was super close with, passed away on 20 Feb 2007. Yeah, it's been a really great month. Now I'm sick! I don't think this month could get any better, actually. Maybe I could lose my job. That would make it better. Anyway, I have some really great people in my life. Both friends and family who have been here for me through it all. One of them will read this soon. =P You know who you are! So thank you, Gene, for being there. I hope I can do the same.

How?

How could I have possibly believed that I could be loved for the person that I am and not the person he wanted me to be. He said I was a bad wife. A good friend, but a bad wife. How could I have let the verbal abuse go on for so long without putting a stop to it. How could I still be so terribly in love with him even after all the very hurtful things he's said and done to me in the last month alone. We won't even go as far back as the 4 years we have known each other. How could I have thought that this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. How can I still think this after everything he's done? How can I go on without him in my life? Sadly, I still want him there. He was never the husband I needed, but I never told him that. How could he tell me that I disappointed him as a wife and think that that wouldn't cut straight to the core of my being?!? Does he think that I am impervious to the pain he is dishing out without any regret? I am not, by any means, impervious to what he does to me.

Why is he so hateful toward me after I gave up 2 years of my life for him. How can he say that that is the problem when it was the only path I saw. There was never any room in his life for me. He shared my every being. I shared space in his apartment. He never accepted me for who I am inside, only who he thought I should be. I hate what he has put me through. I hate what he is doing to me. I hate that I still love him. Why can't I move on. He obviously has. He doesn't show any regret for what he has done. Why should I feel this sorrow for something that was never in my hands?!? I hate myself for not seeing this coming and baling out when it was still safe. I hate that I didn't run before we got married. What was I thinking?!? Me, getting married. That's a joke. I thought I had found the perfect guy; that we could share each other's hopes and dreams. Instead, I was sharing his hopes and dreams and he could have given a shit for what I want in life. Oh sure, he knew what I wanted to do with my life, but his dreams were always more important. I hate that I wanted him to succeed more than I wanted my own life to progress. I hate that I thought we were partners, a couple; when he thought of us as friends with benefits. Why was I so stupid? Why am I still holding on to this stupid hope that we will get back together when I know we never will. We never were.

My life has taken a leaping dive into an empty pool

Today and last night must be the worst days I have lived through in my 23 years. My husband of almost 2 years told me yesterday to pack my shit and leave. I am beyond hurt. Hurt doesn't even come close to what I am feeling right now. I have been doing everything right, he said, but that we are just 2 different people and he doesn't think he can live with me. I asked him what was so wrong with me and he said nothing. I can only pray that God knows how to get me through this because doing it on my own is completely out of the question. I keep praying that God will tell Dane what Dane really wants in life because I know Dane doesn't know what he really wants out of life yet. Only God really knows what Dane wants. I can only hope that I am somewhere in this picture also.

He has told me to get out of his life before when we were dating and then he took leave from the Army for a month and went up to Montana to visit family and friends. When he came back, he realized how much he actually loved me and wanted me in his life. I pray almost every second that all he needs is a break. I love being with him so much. We have so many plans that I want to see happen for us together.

He said he isn't going to file for divorce right away. When I talked to my mom last night, she said that Dane said he wouldn't file for divorce until he got settled into the house in Montana. Who knows how long down the road that is. Hopefully a while if he doesn't ask me back into his life before he gets up there.

I told my mom that I was moving up there. There is nothing for me down here in Texas anymore. There is even less for me in Washington, but I have nowhere else to go. I called my brother over in North Carolina and he said that he can't afford to live off-post. I was thinking that would be a really nice change from everything. I have too many memories from my past in Washington and too many memories from the present here in Texas.

I need help. There is no way I can do this on my own. I don't even know how I am functioning. I try not to think about anything and just do it. It hurts way too much to actually think about anything. There are too many emotions tied up into everything that we own. Now I have to decide who's stuff it actually is. How am I supposed to know. I had everything all together; or so I thought. I had everything organized to that the move to Montana would be so easy for us. Now I have to sort everything out right now and figure out who's is who's.

I can't do this. All I could think of last night was how I could end all of this and take the easy way out. Everything would be so much simpler. Especially for me. Selfish. I feel like I need to be a little bit selfish. I have been catering to every single one of Dane's needs, I thought. I don't even know what I want for myself. I want to be living in Montana with my husband by my side in the house that I picked out for us. I want to follow through with the plans that we made together. I want the life that Dane and I were going to build together.

God, help me, please. I am as low as I have ever been. When I think that I could not possibly cry another tear, that's exactly what I start doing. How can I possibly make it up to Washington like this? I feel like I can hardly walk across the room, let alone cross the entire United States. I don't want to do anything. I want to just lay down on the bed and go to sleep forever. I can't handle this pain. It is too much for me to handle. The thought of leaving Dane here and driving back up to Washington makes me physically ill. I haven't eaten anything since yesterday morning. I'm still not hungry. The thought of eating doesn't even appeal to me right now.

Lord, take me into Your hands and push me down the right path. I cannot do this on my own. I need Your help. Get me to Washington safe. Take the steering wheel in Your hands and drive me up there. I can't do it on my own. Keep me safe on this journey that You have thrown me into and let me come out only a better person. I know You will. In the bible it says, "I will never leave thee nor forsake thee." (Hebrews 13:5) Well, I'm holding You to Your Word. Show me the truth and the life that You want me to live. Show me where You want me to go. Amen

Distress is on today's menu...

This is my life right now:

Well, it wasn't but about a month later that Scarab decided to fire me. I cannot express how upset I was. My supervisor was prior military also, so I thought that we would have something in common and we could understand each other better since we kind of came from the same place. I was wrong. He found out that we were moving to Montana in about 6 months, which I didn't think was that big of a deal. Again, I was wrong. I don't think they could have fired me faster if I had actually been blatantly doing nothing while I was there. That really pissed me off because my supervisor was prior military!! Me moving is like getting PCS'd! (Permanent Change of Station) Apparantly, that's isn't how he saw it. I was so upset. I didn't even talk to him. My boss actually even told me when he was firing me that it was because I was moving and not because of my performance! Can you believe that?!? Anyway, Dane and I had a deal that he would buy me a horse when we move up to Montana if I could find a job in a week. Well, on that Friday, the last day, I found a job. Of course, I hated it, but it was still a job that paid $8.65 an hour. I couldn't complain too much. Then again, I was a debt collector. I had to call people up and tell them that they owed us so much money and it was due in full by the end of the month. Now, I might add that this wasn't just normal collections. This was collections for hospitals all over the state of Texas. The business is Data Search, Inc. so now you know if you get a letter in the mail. Well, I was steadily improving my quota the 3 months that I was there. Then I started loathing my job. Here's what happened: My 90 days ended on 30 Mar 2006. On 04 Apr 2006, my supervisor calls me to the side and says she needs to talk to me. This can't be good. Anyway, she takes me to the side and says that as of this pay period, they are moving me to a new department and lowering my pay to $7.50. So, I ask her, "So I've been getting paid only $7.50 since yesterday morning?!?" She says yes. I am livid. I asked if we were done and go back to my desk to clean it off and move to the other department. This was at about 1130 on Tuesday. Needless to say, I finished the day out and didn't go back on Wednesday. My husband couldn't have handled it better for me. The next morning I had set my alarm clock with the assumption he would make me go back to work. That was fine. I could man up for a few more days until I found a new job. I was really upset, but I could do it. So, my alarm goes off and I ask him if I had to go back to work. Of course, he says yes. Bad morning. I get ready and we head out the door so he can take me to work because our other car was in the shop. We are almost to work when he misses the exit. I asked if he was going to turn off and he said he knew a faster way: straight up to the shop! I started to tear up because that was the best thing he could have told me right then. When we got up to the shop he even told me that I could take the day off from looking for a job emmediately. It turned into a good day after all. But, now I am looking for a new job. Dane isn't expecting me to get a new one but that really only makes me want to get one worse just to prove him wrong. Not to mention taking some stress off his shoulders so I don't feel stressed out as a result. So, the hunt continues for a new job...