How?
How could I have possibly believed that I could be loved for the person that I am and not the person he wanted me to be. He said I was a bad wife. A good friend, but a bad wife. How could I have let the verbal abuse go on for so long without putting a stop to it. How could I still be so terribly in love with him even after all the very hurtful things he's said and done to me in the last month alone. We won't even go as far back as the 4 years we have known each other. How could I have thought that this was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. How can I still think this after everything he's done? How can I go on without him in my life? Sadly, I still want him there. He was never the husband I needed, but I never told him that. How could he tell me that I disappointed him as a wife and think that that wouldn't cut straight to the core of my being?!? Does he think that I am impervious to the pain he is dishing out without any regret? I am not, by any means, impervious to what he does to me.
Why is he so hateful toward me after I gave up 2 years of my life for him. How can he say that that is the problem when it was the only path I saw. There was never any room in his life for me. He shared my every being. I shared space in his apartment. He never accepted me for who I am inside, only who he thought I should be. I hate what he has put me through. I hate what he is doing to me. I hate that I still love him. Why can't I move on. He obviously has. He doesn't show any regret for what he has done. Why should I feel this sorrow for something that was never in my hands?!? I hate myself for not seeing this coming and baling out when it was still safe. I hate that I didn't run before we got married. What was I thinking?!? Me, getting married. That's a joke. I thought I had found the perfect guy; that we could share each other's hopes and dreams. Instead, I was sharing his hopes and dreams and he could have given a shit for what I want in life. Oh sure, he knew what I wanted to do with my life, but his dreams were always more important. I hate that I wanted him to succeed more than I wanted my own life to progress. I hate that I thought we were partners, a couple; when he thought of us as friends with benefits. Why was I so stupid? Why am I still holding on to this stupid hope that we will get back together when I know we never will. We never were.
Why is he so hateful toward me after I gave up 2 years of my life for him. How can he say that that is the problem when it was the only path I saw. There was never any room in his life for me. He shared my every being. I shared space in his apartment. He never accepted me for who I am inside, only who he thought I should be. I hate what he has put me through. I hate what he is doing to me. I hate that I still love him. Why can't I move on. He obviously has. He doesn't show any regret for what he has done. Why should I feel this sorrow for something that was never in my hands?!? I hate myself for not seeing this coming and baling out when it was still safe. I hate that I didn't run before we got married. What was I thinking?!? Me, getting married. That's a joke. I thought I had found the perfect guy; that we could share each other's hopes and dreams. Instead, I was sharing his hopes and dreams and he could have given a shit for what I want in life. Oh sure, he knew what I wanted to do with my life, but his dreams were always more important. I hate that I wanted him to succeed more than I wanted my own life to progress. I hate that I thought we were partners, a couple; when he thought of us as friends with benefits. Why was I so stupid? Why am I still holding on to this stupid hope that we will get back together when I know we never will. We never were.
posted by Alicia at 10:37 AM
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